Must Give Up or Fight

I have reached a personal limit tonight.  I need to vent.  This is it.  

Tonight, I hit the wall….or more accurately, the wall hit me.  Many of you may have noticed that I haven’t been online much lately.  Part of this is due to my childrens’ activities….which I am perfectly happy with.  I try to either go to things to support them, or watch the other kids while my wife supports them. 

Unfortunately, much of my recent absence has been due to the fact that I have been working a shit load lately.  Seems like every freakin night I am firing up the work computer, double-clicking on its VPN software, and working. 

Why do I do this?  Because every damn day seems to be consumed with trying to either defend the work me and my team do against attacks from various areas within my department, or trying to get our customers to do what is right and stay within our rules in order to keep the people mentioned previously off our backs.  Either way, I have been going home everyday with nothing to show for my 8 hours except a lot of frustration.

Tonight, as I began the same ritual something clicked or snapped inside of me.  I started up the computer, fired up VPN, opened Outlook, then walked over to get a drink out of the fridge.  When I came back I saw three emails from people complaining, another hammering on me for no reason, and a link to stories about how great everything is in my department.

I just stared at the screen for about 15 minutes.  Then, hit reply on the first complaining email, stared again for 15 minutes, closed Outlook, logged off the PC, put it away, and started thinking. 

I continue to spend 8+ hours a day away from my home, away from my family, and away from my real life to take this crap.  The usually spend 3 hours at night, and 3-4 hours on Saturdays, and 3+ hours on Sundays working.  Why?  Because I am the bread winner of the family.  Because I am comfortable in a routine.  Because I don’t think I have any options. 

Correct Answer: all of the above.

So, as I type this I am at a fork in the road.  One path says, keep hammering away, find ways to make work less consuming, and come to grips with my career.  The other path says, get off my lazy ass and do something about this problem….even if it is something that kicks me out of my comfort zone.  Life is way too short to stay in a situation like this. 

Either way, I must find a way to spend more time with my family and do more for myself.   

Hell, my oldest kid will be a senior next year.  Time is moving on whether I am home or at work.  And I get to work out probably once every three weeks. 

So, as I sit here at 12:30 in the morning I shake my head and wonder what I will do.  Will I even do anything???  I was pretty sure an hour ago when I saw those emails that I would.  Now, after typing, backspacing, and retyping for an hour I’m not sure.

Think I will sleep on it. 

Filed under: Uncategorized , frustration, work